1
00:00:02,403 --> 00:00:04,705
Dads is recorded in front of
a live studio audience.

2
00:00:06,340 --> 00:00:08,309
(sighs)

3
00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:10,178
Dad, I know how much
that excites your nipples,

4
00:00:10,211 --> 00:00:12,413
but please get
out of my way.

5
00:00:14,215 --> 00:00:16,250
I need the light; I was
reading the newspaper.

6
00:00:16,284 --> 00:00:18,186
What?
Get out of here.

7
00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:20,821
You are in my way
every morning.

8
00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:22,523
You're in my way every morning.

9
00:00:22,556 --> 00:00:24,392
I have to work,
you have nothing.
I do stuff.

10
00:00:24,425 --> 00:00:26,360
Ask Edna.

11
00:00:26,394 --> 00:00:27,461
He do nothing.

12
00:00:29,797 --> 00:00:31,699
Get out of the house.

13
00:00:31,732 --> 00:00:34,001
It's San Francisco;
there's so much to see.

14
00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:35,236
You can go to Alcatraz.

15
00:00:35,269 --> 00:00:36,404
I don't need to see a prison.

16
00:00:36,437 --> 00:00:39,107
I was married to your mother.

17
00:00:39,140 --> 00:00:41,109
See the trolley cars.

18
00:00:41,142 --> 00:00:43,611
No, thanks, I'm straight.

19
00:00:43,644 --> 00:00:45,346
Chinatown?

20
00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:48,882
All Chinatowns look alike to me.

21
00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:50,551
Whatever, Dad,
you can't keep doing this.

22
00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:51,619
I'm gonna be late for work.

23
00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:53,787
You work two floors down.

24
00:00:53,821 --> 00:00:56,324
Yeah, but I still have to eat
and then I have to shower.

25
00:01:01,129 --> 00:01:04,165
Okay, you good to go.

26
00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:10,271
* Daddy took me to the zoo

27
00:01:10,304 --> 00:01:12,240
* Na, na, na, na *

28
00:01:12,273 --> 00:01:16,310
* Just to see
something brand-new *

29
00:01:16,344 --> 00:01:18,412
* Na, na, na *

30
00:01:18,446 --> 00:01:22,583
* So many stars up in the sky

31
00:01:22,616 --> 00:01:27,054
* So many questions have I

32
00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:29,157
* Na, na, na, na *

33
00:01:29,190 --> 00:01:32,860
* Daddy took me for a ride.

34
00:01:34,795 --> 00:01:37,998
Look, I-I know you're
really upset that Eli ended

35
00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:40,401
the relationship,
but I can assure you,

36
00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:42,903
he-he had the best intentions.

37
00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:44,605
Where is that coward?

38
00:01:44,638 --> 00:01:46,440
WARNER:
Well, see, I'm here

39
00:01:46,474 --> 00:01:47,908
to break up with you for him,

40
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:50,311
so if there's anything
you want to say to him,

41
00:01:50,344 --> 00:01:52,180
you can say to me.

42
00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:55,349
Hmm, well said.

43
00:01:55,383 --> 00:01:56,884
Anything else?

44
00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:00,954
I think I've heard enough.

45
00:02:00,988 --> 00:02:04,292
Uh, here's a-- whoo--
generous severance check

46
00:02:04,325 --> 00:02:05,659
and a free

47
00:02:05,693 --> 00:02:08,629
Ghost Child Games T-shirt
for you.

48
00:02:12,833 --> 00:02:15,936
Eli, you've got to stop
banging our assistants.

49
00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:18,206
She could sue us
and we'd all be done.

50
00:02:18,239 --> 00:02:20,841
Um, I could sue her sweater
for misrepresenting her boobs,

51
00:02:20,874 --> 00:02:22,676
and I'd win.

52
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:25,313
And then I would make
a triumphant speech

53
00:02:25,346 --> 00:02:26,880
on the courthouse steps.

54
00:02:26,914 --> 00:02:31,352
"Today is a great day for
honest boobs everywhere."

55
00:02:31,385 --> 00:02:34,188
(imitating echo):
Everywhere, everywhere.

56
00:02:34,222 --> 00:02:36,123
Eli, this isn't funny.

57
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,625
People are saying
that you're sexist.

58
00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:39,693
Yeah, but they're all
women, so who cares?

59
00:02:39,727 --> 00:02:43,631
No, we had to hire
a new HR lady because of you.

60
00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:45,699
Trust me, you do not want
to deal with the new HR woman.

61
00:02:45,733 --> 00:02:47,034
She is mean.

62
00:02:47,067 --> 00:02:50,671
She fired Dick
just for introducing himself.

63
00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:54,508
This girl today
wasn't my fault.

64
00:02:54,542 --> 00:02:56,577
She was so annoying.
How?

65
00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:58,679
She would describe her
dreams to me every morning.

66
00:02:58,712 --> 00:03:00,214
Oh, God, I hate it
when my wife does that.

67
00:03:00,248 --> 00:03:01,215
Right?
Yeah, it's awful.

68
00:03:01,249 --> 00:03:02,350
Yeah.

69
00:03:02,383 --> 00:03:03,351
I mean, do you do that?

70
00:03:03,384 --> 00:03:04,352
Asians don't dream.

71
00:03:04,385 --> 00:03:07,154
It's a waste of time.

72
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:10,491
I think Martin Luther King
would disagree with you.

73
00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:13,093
Am I right?

74
00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:17,898
And you were there,
too, but it wasn't

75
00:03:17,931 --> 00:03:20,668
really you, and we were falling
and we tried to scream,

76
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:22,336
but nothing was coming out.

77
00:03:22,370 --> 00:03:23,671
That's weird, huh?

78
00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:27,608
Hmm, that's so interesting
and special.

79
00:03:27,641 --> 00:03:29,610
Thank you, guys,
for having me over.

80
00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:31,412
I really couldn't
stand another night

81
00:03:31,445 --> 00:03:35,349
of watching Cinemax with my
dad with our legs touching.

82
00:03:35,383 --> 00:03:37,351
You know, Crawford, I bet

83
00:03:37,385 --> 00:03:39,186
you and David have
a lot in common.

84
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,589
Maybe you should hang out
tomorrow.

85
00:03:41,622 --> 00:03:45,192
I'd love to;
let me check my day planner.

86
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:48,228
Uh, Dad, that says "1982."

87
00:03:48,262 --> 00:03:50,331
The days line up the same.

88
00:03:51,799 --> 00:03:53,434
Well, you know what?

89
00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:54,635
I have an opening

90
00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:59,307
between 8:00 a.m.
and 4:00 p.m.

91
00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:01,975
Who is Jane Pauley?

92
00:04:02,009 --> 00:04:04,378
Oh, that was '82,
and you may not know this,

93
00:04:04,412 --> 00:04:06,447
but your old man was
quite the stalker.

94
00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:08,148
(chuckles)

95
00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:20,728
Psst.

96
00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:24,097
Psst, psst, psst.

97
00:04:24,131 --> 00:04:26,166
What is that?

98
00:04:26,199 --> 00:04:27,901
That's our new assistant
Janet.

99
00:04:27,935 --> 00:04:29,503
Are you kidding?

100
00:04:29,537 --> 00:04:32,706
She looks like the old lady
on that pasta sauce label.

101
00:04:33,674 --> 00:04:36,410
Exactly--
Janet is Eli-proof.

102
00:04:36,444 --> 00:04:37,511
Oh, oh, really?
Yeah.

103
00:04:37,545 --> 00:04:39,146
Oh, we'll see about that.

104
00:04:39,179 --> 00:04:41,315
Okay.

105
00:04:47,455 --> 00:04:49,757
I hit a 1970s perfume wall.

106
00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:51,492
Yeah.

107
00:04:52,693 --> 00:04:54,194
Why would you
do this to me?

108
00:04:54,227 --> 00:04:56,597
Because you are
a human resources nightmare.

109
00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:58,298
Eli, this company
can't afford to get sued,

110
00:04:58,332 --> 00:05:01,669
and trust me, you want
no part of the new HR lady.

111
00:05:01,702 --> 00:05:04,271
She hit three home runs
in softball yesterday.

112
00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:05,973
One of them was
to dead center.

113
00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:07,207
Really?

114
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:09,410
Yeah, it hit a car.

115
00:05:21,889 --> 00:05:23,624
My God!

116
00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:26,894
That coffee is,
like, 180 degrees!

117
00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:28,829
She didn't even
blow on it.

118
00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:31,599
(grunts, sighs)

119
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,604
Hey, Jesus
of Nazareth.

120
00:05:38,439 --> 00:05:41,875
In this office...

121
00:05:41,909 --> 00:05:44,344
we wear socks.

122
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:48,315
For God's sakes,
get some socks, you maniac.

123
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:51,184
You're gonna get us all killed!

124
00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:53,020
Oh, hey, what are
you guys doing here?

125
00:05:53,053 --> 00:05:54,422
I thought you guys were going
out to lunch.

126
00:05:54,455 --> 00:05:55,989
We are out for lunch.
Where's your fridge?

127
00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:57,190
Um...

128
00:05:58,426 --> 00:06:00,928
I, uh, I can get lunch
for your friends.

129
00:06:00,961 --> 00:06:01,929
Uh, these aren't friends.

130
00:06:01,962 --> 00:06:03,330
They're dads.

131
00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:04,498
Oh.

132
00:06:04,532 --> 00:06:08,502
Oh, well, hello,
Mr. Sachs, and hi.

133
00:06:08,536 --> 00:06:09,537
Call me David.

134
00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:10,938
Mr. Sachs is my son's name.

135
00:06:10,971 --> 00:06:14,207
(laughing)

136
00:06:18,779 --> 00:06:22,249
Boy, I wish I had a swing
like that on my front porch.

137
00:06:25,486 --> 00:06:27,187
Yeah, she looks
like that beautiful woman

138
00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:30,323
on the pasta sauce label.

139
00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:35,463
Come on, Crawford,
be my wingman.

140
00:06:35,496 --> 00:06:36,664
(laughs)

141
00:06:37,665 --> 00:06:39,633
(laughs)
Oh, my God,

142
00:06:39,667 --> 00:06:41,802
my dad's trying to impress her
with a two-dollar bill.

143
00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:44,438
I can't believe this--
I hired Janet

144
00:06:44,472 --> 00:06:46,440
so nobody would be
attracted to her.

145
00:06:46,474 --> 00:06:49,510
Well, it looks like a couple of
nobodies are attracted to her.

146
00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:52,312
Okay, if she feels
sexually pressured

147
00:06:52,345 --> 00:06:55,315
by her bosses' fathers,
that's a form of harassment.

148
00:06:55,348 --> 00:06:57,150
Yeah, but if my dad
starts dating her,

149
00:06:57,184 --> 00:06:58,652
then he'll be
out of the house,

150
00:06:58,686 --> 00:07:00,954
and that is a form
of happiness.

151
00:07:02,155 --> 00:07:04,291
Come on, Dad,
work your magic.

152
00:07:04,324 --> 00:07:05,559
So, why aren't you married?

153
00:07:05,593 --> 00:07:06,927
Bum vagina?

154
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,328
(laughing)

155
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,168
NEWS ANCHOR:
Coming up,
why today's 65-year-old

156
00:07:15,202 --> 00:07:16,604
is livelier than ever.

157
00:07:16,637 --> 00:07:19,206
Aw, geez.

158
00:07:25,378 --> 00:07:27,548
(gasps)

159
00:07:29,717 --> 00:07:32,753
No smoking in my house.

160
00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:34,622
Boy, must have dozed off there.

161
00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:36,156
(chuckles)

162
00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:39,359
You know, there's nothing
like a cigar and a nap.

163
00:07:39,392 --> 00:07:42,930
Yeah, so, any plans tonight?

164
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:45,933
Yeah, I got three people
coming over to teach me Yiddish.

165
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:48,802
I got to go make a yarmulke
out of a coffee filter.

166
00:07:50,504 --> 00:07:52,472
Hey.

167
00:07:52,506 --> 00:07:54,508
Hey, how was work?

168
00:07:54,542 --> 00:07:56,510
Bad. How was home?
Bad.

169
00:07:56,544 --> 00:07:58,378
Well, should we talk
about it or just drink?

170
00:07:58,411 --> 00:07:59,613
We should
probably talk.

171
00:07:59,647 --> 00:08:01,314
All right, I'll make
the drinks.

172
00:08:02,583 --> 00:08:04,985
I know you're against
office romances,

173
00:08:05,018 --> 00:08:08,656
but your dad really seems
to like this Janet,

174
00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:11,859
and I think that you should
encourage him to find love

175
00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:13,694
and get him
out of my house.

176
00:08:13,727 --> 00:08:14,695
(snickers)

177
00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:17,130
Your house?

178
00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:18,298
What?
Oh, nothing.

179
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:19,867
Oh, come on, he's not that bad.

180
00:08:19,900 --> 00:08:21,368
Warner.
Yeah.

181
00:08:21,401 --> 00:08:23,470
Do you have
black neighbors?

182
00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:26,073
Uh, yeah, Dad,
right next door.

183
00:08:26,106 --> 00:08:28,542
Oh...

184
00:08:28,576 --> 00:08:29,743
(sighs)

185
00:08:29,777 --> 00:08:31,511
I'm sorry, Officer,
the whole thing

186
00:08:31,545 --> 00:08:33,513
is just a humorous
misunderstanding.

187
00:08:33,547 --> 00:08:36,249
Mm-hmm.

188
00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:38,518
So, did Janet ask
about me?

189
00:08:38,552 --> 00:08:39,653
No, she didn't,

190
00:08:39,687 --> 00:08:41,589
and you're not
going to have

191
00:08:41,622 --> 00:08:43,023
an office romance, I'm sorry.

192
00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:45,092
Well, not with that
Casanova David around.

193
00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:48,428
He's got so many cool shirts.

194
00:08:48,461 --> 00:08:50,430
I hate my shirts.

195
00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:51,732
(knocking)

196
00:08:51,765 --> 00:08:54,201
Oh, that must
be my Jews.

197
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:04,144
Who the hell called
the cops on me?

198
00:09:07,948 --> 00:09:11,051
So they removed the body,
and suddenly I had a seat

199
00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:13,921
in first class.
(gasps)

200
00:09:13,954 --> 00:09:17,725
God, he has no game.

201
00:09:17,758 --> 00:09:19,226
It's a wonder
you were ever born.

202
00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:22,596
Hmm... and yet
here I stand.

203
00:09:22,630 --> 00:09:25,432
Oh, are you standing?

204
00:09:25,465 --> 00:09:27,968
Would you like to go
out for dinner?

205
00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:29,803
I know a Greek place
around the corner.

206
00:09:29,837 --> 00:09:32,439
Oh, well, I-I love Greek food.

207
00:09:32,472 --> 00:09:33,607
And corners.

208
00:09:33,641 --> 00:09:34,975
(laughs)

209
00:09:35,008 --> 00:09:37,410
Uh, want to pick me up at 6:00?

210
00:09:37,444 --> 00:09:38,979
No, I'll meet you there.

211
00:09:42,850 --> 00:09:45,552
Oh, look at her.

212
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,154
She's so beautiful.

213
00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:48,221
Now, listen,

214
00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:49,389
go over there
and talk to her.

215
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:50,758
Okay.
Be yourself.

216
00:09:50,791 --> 00:09:52,660
Be myself.
Yes.

217
00:09:52,693 --> 00:09:53,627
How's my breath?

218
00:09:53,661 --> 00:09:56,596
(exhales)

219
00:09:56,630 --> 00:09:58,966
It's age-appropriate.

220
00:09:59,833 --> 00:10:02,002
Yeah.

221
00:10:03,036 --> 00:10:04,437
Oh, hey,
what are you doing...?

222
00:10:04,471 --> 00:10:06,273
Oh, my God, you're not
pregnant again, are you?

223
00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:08,075
(mouths)

224
00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:09,843
Oh, no, no, come on.

225
00:10:09,877 --> 00:10:11,444
We talked about this.

226
00:10:11,478 --> 00:10:12,680
You're trying to set my dad up?

227
00:10:12,713 --> 00:10:14,014
Well,

228
00:10:14,047 --> 00:10:15,983
she said yes.

229
00:10:16,016 --> 00:10:18,852
Now I got to get to work
on an erection.

230
00:10:20,854 --> 00:10:22,823
How come
the only kind of kebab

231
00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:25,625
you ever hear about
is shish?

232
00:10:27,494 --> 00:10:30,463
Oh, look, it's a ladybug.

233
00:10:30,497 --> 00:10:32,532
All right, hold
still, I'll kill it.

234
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:39,372
Anyone who owns their own
bowling ball is a schmuck.

235
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:43,977
The first person who comes up
with a use for men's nipples--

236
00:10:44,011 --> 00:10:47,180
they can write
their own ticket.

237
00:10:47,214 --> 00:10:50,283
I didn't like that no-leg
South African sprinter

238
00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:53,220
before he shot
his girlfriend.

239
00:10:55,022 --> 00:10:57,224
BOTH:
Separate checks.

240
00:10:59,927 --> 00:11:01,394
VERONICA:
So, Janet,

241
00:11:01,428 --> 00:11:02,796
what is your decision?

242
00:11:02,830 --> 00:11:04,865
Whose dandruff
do you want on you?

243
00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:06,900
(laughs)

244
00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:08,802
Well, that-that's...

245
00:11:08,836 --> 00:11:12,005
that's a really
tough choice, but

246
00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:13,340
I think I...

247
00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:14,908
I clicked a little
more with...

248
00:11:14,942 --> 00:11:16,143
David.

249
00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:17,144
Yes!

250
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:18,078
Oh, he's just so dark.

251
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:19,579
Yes, he is!

252
00:11:20,914 --> 00:11:22,850
I-I'll send a moving
truck with all his stuff,

253
00:11:22,883 --> 00:11:24,752
and then, I'll, what,
see you at Thanksgiving?

254
00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:25,886
(laughs)

255
00:11:25,919 --> 00:11:27,921
Hold on, hold on.
Janet,

256
00:11:27,955 --> 00:11:29,356
as our employee,

257
00:11:29,389 --> 00:11:31,258
if this in any way makes you
feel uncomfortable,

258
00:11:31,291 --> 00:11:32,659
you don't have to date him.

259
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:34,227
Oh, I...
Okay. No.

260
00:11:34,261 --> 00:11:37,164
I think the whole... the whole
office should hear this.

261
00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:39,733
Guys, listen up, okay?

262
00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:42,169
Everyone in this office

263
00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:44,738
is captain
of their own sexual freedom.

264
00:11:44,772 --> 00:11:47,707
Be you straight, gay...

265
00:11:47,741 --> 00:11:50,277
or Elliot.

266
00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:52,746
Okay?

267
00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:54,514
You don't need to have sex

268
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:57,517
with the bosses' fathers,
or anyone.

269
00:11:57,550 --> 00:12:01,454
But you can.

270
00:12:01,488 --> 00:12:03,123
Okay, but don't.

271
00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:04,424
Choose happiness!

272
00:12:04,457 --> 00:12:05,425
Not at work.

273
00:12:05,458 --> 00:12:06,593
Heart wants what it wants.

274
00:12:06,626 --> 00:12:07,594
And that's why there are laws,

275
00:12:07,627 --> 00:12:08,628
right, guys?

276
00:12:08,661 --> 00:12:10,597
Hello? What happened?

277
00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:15,803
You shouldn't have started
your speech at 4:59.

278
00:12:21,008 --> 00:12:22,776
Mountaintop wizard fight?

279
00:12:22,810 --> 00:12:23,777
Fireball, fireball.

280
00:12:23,811 --> 00:12:25,478
Lightning!
Ash naz gimbatu!

281
00:12:25,512 --> 00:12:28,148
Ash naz gimbatu!

282
00:12:35,122 --> 00:12:36,456
Hey.

283
00:12:36,489 --> 00:12:38,558
Hey! How was work?

284
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:39,993
Well, you'd be proud of me.

285
00:12:40,027 --> 00:12:41,494
I peed at the urinal

286
00:12:41,528 --> 00:12:44,497
with some guy standing
right next to me. (laughs)

287
00:12:44,531 --> 00:12:47,000
Did anything come out?

288
00:12:47,034 --> 00:12:49,169
No, but I stood there
like it was.

289
00:12:49,202 --> 00:12:50,737
Mm.

290
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:53,306
It's all gonna happen soon,
I can feel it.

291
00:12:54,507 --> 00:12:56,676
Warner, you want
this condom?

292
00:12:59,046 --> 00:13:00,313
I'm never gonna use it.

293
00:13:00,347 --> 00:13:02,015
Uh, Dad,
where'd you get that?

294
00:13:02,049 --> 00:13:04,284
From your neighbor.

295
00:13:06,053 --> 00:13:07,821
It's a large.

296
00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:15,829
Dad, you know, forget about
that whole Janet thing.

297
00:13:15,863 --> 00:13:17,164
Well...

298
00:13:17,197 --> 00:13:20,167
Workplace romances
are always a disaster.

299
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:24,171
You know, Warner, this whole
thing has made me realize...

300
00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:27,707
that there's really only
one person out there for you.

301
00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:31,211
For me... it was your mother.

302
00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:33,113
And for your mother,

303
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:35,415
it was a weightlifter
from Sacramento.

304
00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:40,854
I had no idea he felt like that.

305
00:13:40,888 --> 00:13:41,955
Yeah.

306
00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:44,892
You know, when I was a kid,

307
00:13:44,925 --> 00:13:48,028
I asked Jenny Sanders
to the prom, and she said no.

308
00:13:48,061 --> 00:13:51,498
And-and my dad got in the car
and drove all the way down there

309
00:13:51,531 --> 00:13:53,633
and convinced her to go with me.

310
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:55,635
That's sweet.

311
00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:58,571
And creepy.

312
00:13:58,605 --> 00:14:00,673
I can't believe
I'm going to say this,

313
00:14:00,707 --> 00:14:02,876
but I'm going
to go down to Janet's

314
00:14:02,910 --> 00:14:04,511
and get my dad a prom date.

315
00:14:04,544 --> 00:14:06,046
Oh, while you're out, can you
pick me up some of...?

316
00:14:06,079 --> 00:14:08,548
No. This is not
one of those trips.

317
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:15,622
(doorbell rings)

318
00:14:25,098 --> 00:14:27,267
Janet?

319
00:14:48,788 --> 00:14:51,124
(screaming)

320
00:14:51,158 --> 00:14:52,892
(screaming)

321
00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:03,971
Hey.

322
00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:06,073
Good morning.

323
00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:08,241
That's right.

324
00:15:11,644 --> 00:15:14,247
Oh, I forgot
what I was gonna say.

325
00:15:14,281 --> 00:15:17,084
Oh, yeah. Is Janet here?

326
00:15:17,117 --> 00:15:18,785
Oh, she, uh, quit this morning.

327
00:15:18,818 --> 00:15:22,489
Oh...

328
00:15:22,522 --> 00:15:25,792
Okay. Just, like...

329
00:15:25,825 --> 00:15:28,095
Just like that?

330
00:15:28,128 --> 00:15:30,630
Mm?
Yeah.

331
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:34,901
She said she really
enjoyed her time here,

332
00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:37,404
and she just wanted
to pursue other opportunities.

333
00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:39,906
Okay. Okay.

334
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:43,043
Uh, that's good for her, right?

335
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:45,645
Ah. That's all she said?

336
00:15:45,678 --> 00:15:46,746
Uh-huh.
Yeah.

337
00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:48,948
Okay. Okay.

338
00:15:53,686 --> 00:15:56,456
Oh, and something about you
leering through a window

339
00:15:56,489 --> 00:16:00,527
of her house, yelling,
"I'm not masturbating!"

340
00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:14,207
I can explain. I...

341
00:16:14,241 --> 00:16:16,376
Don't waste it on us.
Okay...

342
00:16:16,409 --> 00:16:19,312
Save it for HR, because
you have a meeting at 11:00.

343
00:16:19,346 --> 00:16:21,681
Aw, who's a little
HR nightmare now?

344
00:16:21,714 --> 00:16:22,982
It's you.
No.

345
00:16:23,016 --> 00:16:24,817
It's you.
No.

346
00:16:24,851 --> 00:16:26,853
Who's the little
HR nightmare?
No.

347
00:16:26,886 --> 00:16:28,588
Isn't it you?
No.

348
00:16:29,756 --> 00:16:31,658
Uh...

349
00:16:31,691 --> 00:16:33,293
Okay, what do I do?
What do I do?

350
00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:35,462
Relax. I will go upstairs,
I'll talk to my dad,

351
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:37,630
he'll call Janet, and
she'll drop the whole thing.

352
00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:39,032
Ugh. I hope that works,

353
00:16:39,066 --> 00:16:40,533
'cause HR meany was
in the bathroom today,

354
00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:43,403
and she emptied
the tampon machine.

355
00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:46,406
It looked like she was
about to blow up a bridge.

356
00:16:52,245 --> 00:16:55,048
Has he moved yet
this morning?

357
00:16:55,082 --> 00:16:57,884
He scratch his nose
at... 9:20.

358
00:16:57,917 --> 00:16:59,886
Mm.

359
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,556
Hey, Dad,
uh, I need a favor.

360
00:17:03,590 --> 00:17:04,824
No.

361
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:07,494
You don't even know what it is.

362
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:10,097
It's a favor.
What else do I need to know?

363
00:17:10,130 --> 00:17:13,032
Dad, I need you to call
your girlfriend, Janet,

364
00:17:13,066 --> 00:17:14,767
and smooth something over
for me.

365
00:17:14,801 --> 00:17:17,104
She's not my girlfriend anymore.

366
00:17:17,137 --> 00:17:18,838
Already?
What happened?

367
00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:23,410
She couldn't name the original
Mercury astronauts.

368
00:17:23,443 --> 00:17:26,113
You still ask women
that question?

369
00:17:26,146 --> 00:17:27,747
Who cares?

370
00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:30,083
Maybe the families
of John Glenn,

371
00:17:30,117 --> 00:17:32,752
Alan Shepard,
Virgil I. "Gus" Grissom...

372
00:17:32,785 --> 00:17:34,121
All right, Dad,
I understand...

373
00:17:34,154 --> 00:17:36,723
...Gordo Cooper, Deke Slayton,

374
00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:38,291
Scott Carpenter...
You made your point. I...

375
00:17:38,325 --> 00:17:40,026
...Wally Schirra.

376
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:41,961
Dad...

377
00:17:41,994 --> 00:17:43,796
please call her.

378
00:17:43,830 --> 00:17:45,098
No.

379
00:17:45,132 --> 00:17:47,434
You're impossible!

380
00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:50,837
I'll call her when she takes
seventh grade history!

381
00:17:58,010 --> 00:18:00,313
Don't finish that
friendly knock.

382
00:18:02,515 --> 00:18:05,118
Have a seat.
Oh.

383
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:13,793
State your name.

384
00:18:13,826 --> 00:18:17,330
Uh, Warner Whittemore.

385
00:18:17,364 --> 00:18:19,466
So...

386
00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:23,303
you like looking at old ladies,
you perv? Hmm?

387
00:18:23,336 --> 00:18:24,771
What?

388
00:18:24,804 --> 00:18:28,575
You like pulling your
pickle in public, huh?

389
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:31,978
Is that what
bangs your gong?

390
00:18:33,813 --> 00:18:36,416
Uh, who are you
recording this for?

391
00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:39,319
All the old ladies who
just want to take a shower

392
00:18:39,352 --> 00:18:43,790
without some creep tuggin' on
his tiny outside their window.

393
00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:46,993
Okay, I wasn't tugging
on my tiny.

394
00:18:47,026 --> 00:18:48,828
I... I, uh...

395
00:18:48,861 --> 00:18:50,530
This was a big misunderstanding.

396
00:18:50,563 --> 00:18:51,498
Really?
Yeah.

397
00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:53,300
Really? Okay, well,

398
00:18:53,333 --> 00:18:55,668
let's do a-a... a little
bit of research, okay?

399
00:18:55,702 --> 00:18:57,103
Okay.
Typey, type-type-type.

400
00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:58,571
Okay, look at this. What?

401
00:19:00,673 --> 00:19:02,342
What are all
of these settlement checks

402
00:19:02,375 --> 00:19:04,377
that are made out
to your former assistants?

403
00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:07,480
Did you spin your pee spout

404
00:19:07,514 --> 00:19:09,115
outside their window,

405
00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:13,019
like some carefree
19th-century gentleman

406
00:19:13,052 --> 00:19:15,555
going for a weenie walk?!

407
00:19:17,424 --> 00:19:18,958
Wait a minute.

408
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:20,727
You're attacking
the wrong person.

409
00:19:21,728 --> 00:19:23,463
Warner Whittemore
is not a perv.

410
00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:25,398
He is terrified of sex.

411
00:19:25,432 --> 00:19:27,634
He didn't lose his virginity
till he was 26.

412
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:30,570
Oh, actually, I-I
was 25 and a half.

413
00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:35,174
The one time we went
to a strip club together,

414
00:19:35,208 --> 00:19:37,544
he ate a cheeseburger
with a fork and knife.

415
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:41,248
'Cause strippers leave you
alone if you're eating,

416
00:19:41,281 --> 00:19:42,982
so I just figured...

417
00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:45,117
(mumbles)

418
00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:51,991
These checks weren't for him.
They were for me.

419
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:54,394
He was cleaning up my messes.

420
00:19:56,263 --> 00:19:58,565
Okay, Warner, you can go.

421
00:20:05,272 --> 00:20:07,374
Have a seat... carrot crotch.

422
00:20:14,914 --> 00:20:17,884
Eli's been in
with the HR lady for

423
00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:20,253
a long time now.
I hope he's okay.

424
00:20:20,287 --> 00:20:22,589
(Eli sighs)
Oh, hey.

425
00:20:22,622 --> 00:20:23,523
How'd it go in there?

426
00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:24,757
Well, I got myself

427
00:20:24,791 --> 00:20:25,925
out of trouble.

428
00:20:25,958 --> 00:20:27,360
I am not really proud of how.

429
00:20:27,394 --> 00:20:29,429
I'll pick you
up at 8:00.

430
00:20:32,765 --> 00:20:35,768
Don't wear anything
complicated.

431
00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:40,607
You know, Warner, I never
thought I'd say this, but

432
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:44,577
thank you for sexually
harassing that woman for me.

433
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:48,415
I love you, son.

434
00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:50,383
I love you, too, Dad.

435
00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:52,452
Aw...

436
00:20:52,485 --> 00:20:54,654
What? Nothing
happened with us.

437
00:20:55,488 --> 00:20:57,290
CAMILA:
It's just...

438
00:20:57,324 --> 00:21:00,560
I'm sorry. It's so hilarious
that anyone could ever think

439
00:21:00,593 --> 00:21:04,664
that you could
sexually harass anybody.

440
00:21:07,967 --> 00:21:09,336
I'm sorry.

441
00:21:09,369 --> 00:21:11,103
I can hara...

442
00:21:11,137 --> 00:21:13,272
I can harass someone.

443
00:21:14,607 --> 00:21:18,277
Okay, okay.
Well, let... let's see.

444
00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:23,215
Okay.

445
00:21:25,017 --> 00:21:29,055
Ooh, nice melons.

446
00:21:29,956 --> 00:21:31,190
Okay, I can't do that.

447
00:21:31,223 --> 00:21:33,125
I got to sanitize my hands.

448
00:21:33,159 --> 00:21:35,962
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